Crying for tears

Displaced emotions splashing over impounded thoughts. I'm screaming teardrop memories, I just want to let it out. I hate my social conditioning, I'm going to die young because of it. Watching those who suffered get the gift of feeling. I lie on the couch waves of symphonic emotion washing over me, but the fountains give forth nothing. The wells are dry. All I want to do is cry.

Wow that almost came out like poetry and all it is is random thoughts on how I wish I could cry. I have honestly come to a point where I will put on music that carries strong tear bringing emotions with it and I try to force it. At the end of movies with sad endings, I sit in the dark and try to strengthen the brief flash of intense emotion that spread over me in that short moment of sad, or joyous revelation. But I can't. The only times I think I could probably I cry, I really don't wont to for fear of embarresment, or the need to keep a strong face. The only times I have cried have been in moments of intense and prolonged frustration, where all my barriers are broken to the point of nonexistence, and then the tears are tripped off by some sad or strong emotional response.

The reason I want to cry is the incredible feeling of release that comes afterwords, there's this feeling of peace. It's one of the most enjoyable feelings out there, as long as your not embarrased by the red puffy eyes, it can be great just to enjoy that feeling of release. The pent up rage, fear, sadness, dissapointment, frustration finally being release. I think guys have been socially conditioned to bottle themselves up for fear of being seen as weak. Guys have to be strong at all points. Now of course Im not saying guys should start balling their eyes out at all moments, and I do think some women need to perform some emotional restraint, there is a point where it gets pathetic. But, I think guys have taken it to an unhealthy extreme where we just can't cry unless under some extreme emotional duress, and when we do cry its because a little bit of something has leaked past the floodgates, we never just let it out. Again, I'm not talking about wailing or any moaning, just outpouring of tears.

Of course for this to be effective and a positive experience, one must have somebody close and understanding to be there to hold on to. To finish letting it all out and then to go and give somebody a strong hug and just hold on to them for dear life, it is the most peaceful experience, and honestly I would love it if I could somehow fake it. Some sort of emotional masturbation. Now of course this sounds pathetic, but I think that is because of our social conditioning. What is truly pathetic about it? I think it can be very healthy, and I think its why women are far less prone to violence and live longer lives. We bottle up our emotions and then burst out in anger, which is socially acceptable for men, but we end up with a weakend heart, immune system, etc, whatever kills us.

Of course, after all this I still can't cry and it makes me tired.